Uh-oh! That one comment squirreled its way into your psyche, planted roots in the rich soil of your "I'm not enough" storyline and has grown like a weed after a fresh rainstorm and a week's worth of sunshine.
It has happened to me.
It has happened to you.
It has happened to everyone.
And it will likely happen again because the "I'm not enough" storyline has deep roots in most of us. We also live in a world of people -- some who have genuine intentions of being helpful, some who deliberately intend to be hurtful, while others inadvertently blow these seeds in our direction. Regardless, the result is the same: Some part inside of us perks up her ears, like a dog hearing the distant bark of a fellow canine, and says, "I'm going to run with this one!"
Recently, in a session with a client, we were revisiting the topic of rage. We discussed the importance for her to acknowledge these feelings and find ways to constructively give them expression, both to move this energy out of her body and to hear any wisdom these feelings may hold for her.
Off-handedly Julie said, "I brought this up with a spiritual teacher and he told me that perhaps the rage I am feeling is rage at myself."
There was the one comment: "You feel rage at yourself."
I have no doubt this teacher had pointed her attention in this direction to be of service to her spiritual unfolding. However, I sensed it had created an opportunity for self-judgment to sneak in the back door undetected. That one comment was acting like fertilizer, and I could hear her inner, self-critical voice saying, "I probably do feel rage at myself. That's terrible. If I do -- and I think I do -- then something is wrong with me!"
"Julie," I said. "Right now, let's make a decision to NOT turn this into a problem that needs to be fixed. Yes, you feel rage at yourself. We all feel rage at ourselves at one point or another. That doesn't mean that something is wrong with you. All humans feel every possible feeling there is to feel. Don't turn this into a personal problem, okay?"
Giving voice to the rage (and any other difficult emotion we would rather not admit we are feeling) is an important part of learning to accept, have compassion for and integrate the parts of ourselves that feel these emotions. By calling attention to how this one comment was being co-opted by the part of her that believes in the "not enough" narrative, Julie effectively pulled up this tiny spring weed of self-judgment by the roots. As a result, she could explore the rage, even feelings of great anger towards herself, without reinforcing a (false) belief that the very fact of having these feelings indicated her "broken, bad, faulty, not enough" status.
Did I mention that we all have some version of the "not enough" storyline? And did I mention that it is normal for it to sprout up in the gardens of our thinking minds? And furthermore, that when this happens it doesn't actually mean that you are 'not enough'?
Let me say this again:
The fact that your mind can churn out thoughts of the "I'm not enough" variety does NOT indicate that you actually are not enough. The fact that your mind can think these thoughts is NOT evidence proving the thoughts to be true.
Here is another example from my own life:
During a 30-minute private session with one of my yoga teachers, she said, "I notice that your chest is a bit concave. Did you have some trauma in your childhood?"
Zing!
There was that one comment: "Your chest is a bit concave."
I felt my heart race, like a kid being shoved on the playground. Fortunately, I recognized that her comment had swiftly dug a shovel into the soil of my own "not enough" story. While planting the seed, she inadvertently fertilized the soil by implicitly attaching a negative interpretation to my concave breastbone. Not only was my body abnormal but this was because of some horrible past event!
Thank goodness for Awareness! I caught myself just as the self-critical part of my mind wanted to secure a tight double knot to my "not enough" storyline. Although I couldn't prevent it from getting hold of my thinking entirely, my awareness turned this double knot into a slip knot from which I could more easily release myself.
Ever since I was an adolescent growing up in ballet culture, I have heard a voice in my head trying to convince me that "I'm not good enough -- or talented, beautiful, healthy, even spiritual enough -- because something is wrong with my body." After hearing this one comment, I immediately began pulling up weeds. I reminded myself that even though my sternum is more concave than the "average" person, this did not prove anything was wrong with me, now or in the past, on an essential level.
Mind you, for months, every time I looked at my chest in the mirror, I heard this one comment and felt the tide of my own body-centered self-judgment tug at me. So, this comment, and all that it carried in its wake, became central to my "Don't Believe Everything You Hear" practice.
First, I stuck with the facts. Yes, comparatively, my chest sloped inward a bit. Any conclusions that my thinking mind might draw about this fact -- particularly of the "not enough" variety -- were erroneous and needed to be questioned.
When you notice that someone in your life sends that one comment in your direction and you feel as though you were zapped with your own personal "You Are Not Enough" laser bolt, look at it directly and question it.
Think of this practice of spiritual inquiry as a "So You Think You Are Not Enough" board game.
Here are the rules of the game:
You get zinged by that one comment.
Ask: Is this comment true?
If it is NOT TRUE, move directly to the Extend Heart-Centered Compassion Square, as you recognize their misperceptions of you belong to them not you.
If it is TRUE, ask: Am I drawing any judgmental conclusions about myself because of this fact?
If NO, then move directly to the Congrats, I Accept The Facts square. Take any actions (if needed) indicated by your recognition and acceptance of the facts.
If YES, name the self-critical judgments that are arising in your thinking in response to that one comment. Once named, move directly to the Compassionately Questioning the Judgements square. Lovingly ask: "Really? Do I know that these self-judgments are 100% true?" (Hint: They are likely not true but don’t rush to answer this question. Truly being in an open state of questioning is important.) Repeat for every judgment.
Play as often as life circumstances determine necessary.
Spiritually speaking, there is absolutely no way that you are "not enough." On a relative level, it may be true that you are not a good enough tennis player to play against Serena Williams and win. But on an essential level, the "not enough" story (and all its favorite derivations) can never hold up to the core truth of you as Life itself. You are a precious, living being sustained by this miraculous planet, an integral part of this awe-inspiring, ever-expanding universe.
In my tiny part of the world, we are celebrating the coming of spring. The first bulbs have bloomed and they are gorgeous --a beautiful reminder of the joy of Life. Can you imagine yourself walking up to that popping yellow tulip and saying, "Geez! I can't believe you even bothered to push your way up through that dirt! You're not good enough to bloom with all of these other tulips!"?
Probably not.
That tulip is you.
Your very being in the world is enough -- more than enough. Always has been, always will be.
So don't believe any voice, from another or from inside, that says otherwise. Although your thoughts may need to be questioned, your "enoughness" never does.